It means that forward motion is authorized internally.
The mantra predates this blog by nearly a decade, and for most of that time, it primarily revolved around bikes.
But I have determined more recently that it’s also the language of a self that has always operated from endogenous permission because the authority structures in my life were historically sources of harm. Seeking support, guidance, or simply conversation from the real world was unreliable and cause of conflict, so I stopped.
And even more recently, I’ve become privy to the idea that when I remove the firewall by writing or speaking to a group, I encounter the very agreement between inner and outer worlds that I was denied as a child.
The one that, if it had been present the whole time, might never have driven me to look so closely at me.
The fact that I am so cerebral means that I am frequently a cat that keeps to the edges in public settings. That is, until I am asked to speak to them.
I have had the privilege to speak to regional civic clubs on four occasions now, and have been able to see the live impact my material has on people that I can only view through confusing website statistics with my writing.
“Firstly, thank you for having me in to speak to your organization today, because in doing so I am getting to fulfill a childhood purpose.”
Knowing, in my young torment, that one day I wanted to express what I learned from my experience, through watching how behavior operates in a family structure well before I should have had to understand that, and now actually doing it,
is something I am going to be chewing on for… possibly forever.
And when I contradict myself by being outspoken in some settings, and quiet in others, I’ll say,
so is the weather station at the summit of Mount Washington.
I will the machine. 